2007: Looking for God and Finding Truth

2007 finally comes to a close and so also does an important chapter in my life. It was a year of loss and miracles.
It was, in no uncertain melodramatic terms, my 'dark night of the soul' in which I struggled through personal tragedy and desolation. Spiritually uncommitted, with a luke-warm interest in buddhism, and a highly skeptical view of religion in general, I nevertheless found myself regressing into an infantile egocentrism, appealing for help to the ultimate parent surrogate called God.

And much to my surprise, God answered my entreaties on March 20 at 20:50 in my kitchen. I had my first 'God Experience,' otherwise known as religious ecstasy; it lasted a good 40 minutes during which time I felt I had merged with an infinite loving presence. Was this the God of the Bible? Was this Nirvana, or the infinite timeless cosmos revealed?

It was by far, the most staggering experience of my whole life. But was it really what I subjectively interpreted it to be? This question was to occupy a great deal of my time over the following months. I visited a psychologist and then a psychiatrist to be sure that I had not had a psychotic episode of some sort. I was persuaded that I had had a genuine religious experience and that my sanity was intact.

So then I sought spiritual advice.

First, from the Christians. The psychiatrist put me in touch with a well-meaning Baptist Pastor who reassured me that I had had an authentic encounter with God. However, I couldn't find a way to accept the irrationality and magical thinking of the Bible ... and the God of the Old Testament is really mean! Combine that with the anti-gay stance of the Baptist Church and the Pastor had an overwhelmingly hard-sell to make.

Next came the New Agers: the psychologist referred me to a Shaman who offered to guide me on my spiritual journey. Her credentials in shamanic voyaging consist of having studied under a Kundalini expert known as Jyoti whose website describes her as 'a flame of divine grace which can shed a large tear of love.' Is that a mixed metaphor? At the conclusion of our meeting she gave me a copy of the DVD 'What the Bleep Do We Know,' a pseudo-scientific documentary produced by the Ramtha School of Enlightenment. It proved to be a hilarious romp through quantum mystical flapdoodlery. I guess my kundalini isn't rising high enough yet! I found it totally absurd.

Finally, the Buddhists: my psychotherapist offered her own interpretation of my religious experience, despite the fact that by this time I already suspected it to be a neurologically induced illusion. She explained away the God part of the experience as a cultural projection; it was, in fact, a manifestation of Buddhist Enlightenment, the goal of Buddhist practice.

So it went. Despite the kindness of everyone I turned to, no-one offered or listened to my attempts to find an explanation based upon scientific objectivity.

Where are the facts, if any, to be found about the 'God Experience'?

The primary descriptive text appears to be The Varieties of Religious Experience by William James from the turn of the 20th Century. More to the point however, I discovered the analytical works of neuropsychologist V.S. Ramachandran, philosopher Daniel C. Dennett's works, Breaking the Spell and Consciousness Explained, Michael Shermer's How We Believe, Susan Blackmore's The Meme Machine, Richard Dawkin's The God Delusion and the research of Michael Persinger, as outlined in Neuropsychological Bases of God Beliefs. In addition, I discussed my experience with science journalist and author John Horgan and discovered that I am not particularly unique; he explained that many atheists have had God Experiences. His one wry comment was that they usually didn't remain atheists afterwards; I was unusual only in my not being converted! The scientific perspectives just made more sense to me than any religious explanation.


It was extremely interesting to read in Persinger's book that

Either by design or by consequence, proponents of most religious organizations realize that few people will indict their own experiences. To challenge or doubt one's own experience is to doubt one's concept of self. The anxiety and uncertainty are just too intense.
Religious organizations feed on this tendency by asking the person to judge for himself or herself. Although it presents the guise of free choice, the request is clearly lopsided before it is asked. Few people are going to say, "God talked to me but there is also a statistical likelihood that it was a quirk of my brain."

I was lucky enough that in my search for truth I was able to both doubt my subjective experience and maintain an intact sense of self. Through the application of reason I was able to evaluate my 'God Experience' for the natural neuropsychological phenomenon that it was.

However I can't help but sometimes feel regret and sadness. Oh, the comfort of knowing that there really was a God that loved me, that I was not alone, that I needn't fear death - it was a wonderful dream. But reason also brings its own comforts, cool as they may feel at times.

One more loss and one more gain to add to the list for 2007 - to paraphrase John Horgan's words - I've given up trying to find my religion.

As Alice in Wonderland said: I just can't believe impossible things.
The White Queen's response to Alice is so fitting to the reactions I have received to my descriptions of my God Experience: 'Why, sometimes I've believed six impossible things before breakfast!'

All the best to you in 2008.

And thanks to the people mentioned above who were very kind, personally accompanying me on my search for truth, despite their probable disappointments at my being unable to embrace their spiritual paradigms.